So...definitely hit a low here...I'm not making any of my classes today, because I can't fit into my pants. I should always trust my intuition. For whatever reason I kept looking at my dresses today, creating ensembles in my head. "Why would you want to wear a dress, it's freezing...?" Well, once I tried on all of my pants, I knew why. I was muffintopping out of all of them, even my biggest pair that got too big last quarter. That was the worst. That and I when I realized they were already stretched to capacity and weren't going to give anymore. I wish that I had saved my fat pants...the pants I had before I miraculously overcame this shit for a few months this summer. Yesterday was...unfun. I spent the whole day in bed, save going to the shrink and having her yell at me and tell me that she cannot help me. Is that what you pay someone $100 for? A ten minute session of them saying, "sorry, you're lazy and fucked up and I totally don't want to help you." I decided I would finish the binge I had started earlier, and made her aware of this, which she ignored.

So, sorry professors, I can't come to school today because I'm too fucking fat.

On a lighter note, I caught a glimpse of my now size 4 (or a very generous 2) self in the full-length mirror in only my underwear (from a distance mind you) and I thought I actually looked great...I guess that might be what other people see. But

So I tried on some of Julie's pants and they're pretty much all too big (though smaller than they once were). Not big enough for her pants, too big for my own...and totally paralyzed by a fucking eating disorder...not only am I expanding and swelling up, but I have no life because of this.

Current Mood: hopeless

I missed school. I missed my ortho appointment. No one can solve all my problems. No pill. No person. Only me, but we'll see how that goes. JUST PLEASE STOP JANINE PLEASE FUCKING STOP.

Current Mood: sick

I could have just driven home. I could have not thought about chewy fried dough. I could have thought about one thing at a time.

He takes care of you and buys you pretty things. He will love you no matter what. And yet he tricks you for kisses. And you love him yet you're not sure what to do. Because you didn't just go home.

Apple-filled claw of death bear: 400
3 Croissants: 1800
1 lemon: 350
1 chocolate: 350
1 chocolate: 350
2 plain glazed: 650
--------------------------------------------------------

11,900
3,900
-------------
15,800 = 4.5 pounds

Janine, you poor thing. You are killing yourself.

Current Mood: depressed

I am seriously sick. It's 5:42PM, cupcake's birthday and I'm still not out of bed. Why am I ruining his birthday?? 

I like solitaire. You do not ever have to play the hand that is dealt to you. This imparts great confidence, unlike life. The choices there are more limited, along the lines of deal with what is dealt or die. If I had known this earlier in my solitaire compulsion I would have won a great deal more games. Motility is key.

I must have known it would get bad, that’s why I have been asking for help. Can you really hang yourself with a belt? Where do I get rope? What sort? From the balcony? Will they cut me down? I definitely want to get cut down before my roommate finds out. I worry most about disturbing her. She would never want to meet a roommate on Craig’s list again. Of course, if I wear all black and do it tonight, they won’t find me until morning. I can leave my key to my car and a note for her to move it herself. Or I can park somewhere outside. I will kill myself with a dirty car. The long drop is considered more humane, but you must calculate your drop based on weight and height to avoid decapitation. I need about a 9 foot 7 inch drop. Any less, I’ll risk strangulation (which is fine), any more, I could be decapitated, which is also fine, though grisly.

In between games of solitaire I call therapists. Whether they call me back or not is a determining factor in my daily self worth. In Los Angeles, no one has any openings. If I kill myself because I couldn’t find a therapist, would that be considered ironic?

Current Mood: sick

So it's back...so bad that I'm on here writing about it. I've been thinking about it. What helps, what doesn't. Why I was able to stop from June to August. It was two months of beautiful manageability and skinniness. Now what...I'm back.

I'm not sure really what it is about school that causes this. There's a fucking moving advertisement for the California culinary academy on the side of the screen right now. WTF! I do not want to see this, it's moving, I can't keep it out of my eyesight. I'm pretty sure this is the biggest amount of calories I've ever had accumulate.

10,000

It's a lot. Many of them, about 1/3 came from today. Today was not a planned binge day. Today I thought, there will be no need to binge. I went to work on chicken broth and lettuce. Felt very full. Had talked to dara and to cupcake, everything seemed great. I went in the back to study and there was a giant pizza cheese bread thing, a bag of granola, chocolate graham crackers, three packages of (my favorite kind nontheless and I don't even like candy) mini candy bars. Plus someone's burrito that didn't get eaten but that was unappetizing.

I ate at least a third of that pizza thing, several candy bars...and two chocolate covered graham crackers. On top of the 7,100 I owed already. I have been super sick and unable to go to the gym...plus somehow the sick made me eat a lot. So fucking idiot me, Ryan says I should feed the homeless people, so I took the stupid brownies to feed the homeless people and thought, "I could wind up eating these...so what if I do...something something you shouldn't leave them here?" What is that? Depressing is what it is. I am so desperate I am looking at an OA meeting tomorrow. There is one 2 miles away from my house, at 9:30AM. Don't forget how many of the brownies you ate. 3/4 of the package, or 6 out of 8. JANINE! What are you doing?

I had these moments of clarity at work today...things started to look clearer...so what if I get fat and have to buy all fat clothes. So what if I have to marry someone fat? Are these the things that matter? No...yes...I don't know...it's not about being fat or not fat, it's about living. But I feel like I can't live if I'm fat. And is fearing fatness part of the problem? I think it is.

I really do not want to live anymore.

Too bad I am not going to die. I would give a limb to get over this. Maybe I should just start doing drugs?

10,000 rid in a week is the goal.

I am not going to put myself on a starvation diet. I am over that. It's stupid. But I am going on a diet. 7 days at 1200 calories =

10,000
<4200>
leaves me
5800 (shit that is a lot)
which means...8.5 hours at the gym. Over a week. That's not too bad.

Per day, that is, starting tomorrow, a little over an hour. I will go 1 hour tomorrow to restart myself. 2 hours friday? What if I get sore. I don't fucking know anymore. It's...all...over...I'd have to not eat at all for six days to recover this without the gym.

And there is no good way to kill myself.

So I will just...

So I'm kind of upset because I ate normally today...plus I have not had enough time to go to the gym...I wanted 3 hours...now I can only swing 1.75 hours at the MOST. Damn. That means I can only burn 1200ish calories. Which is just not enough because tomorrow I work all day, which means I have to eat at least 600ish. So that'll be...

4,500 
<1200>
3,300
tomorrow...
<1,000>
plus gym
<1,000>
1,300 which is fine, if I actually do it. 

Sigh. I better run.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: 80s stuff!

what?

Current Mood: frustrated

Donut Binge: 

Triggers: 

A. Too much sugar intake today
-an entire tall JCFL with ez whip
-Walnut loaf bread thingie (probably the Z, not the B, that's why)
-short soy misto with mocha

B. Not enough healthy food to balance that out--I should NOT be having that much sugar/carbs in the first place. It spells trouble. 

C. Remember that random small crying episode you had in Sunshine's car last night? About your dad? About how he only ever critisizes you and only makes time for you in the way of criticizing you? He will make time for you, but only to criticize you. And even that's a squeeze. 

D. Relationship anxiety--not sure what yet--he's too nice, I'm scared he'll get bored with me, I'm scared he won't ever understand me, I'm scared he'll realize I don't deserve him being this nice to me. Kind of like how I've realized that about other people... I don't have anyone at work to talk to about how happy I am--they are my only friends, really, my coworkers...and not being able to talk to them about how happy I am is hard...kind of told Andrea. Kind of. 

E. Guilty about missing Jess' birthday breakfast?? 

Ate:

2 Sandwichs from work 650
1 Big ass croissant 600
1 Smallish strawberry croissant 300
2 Cream filled donuts 800
1 Bear Claw 350

Total (rounded up for good measure): 2800 

< Ideally: You can get rid of 1,000 if you eat 600 calories
+ 140 minutes at the gym you'll burn a good 1500 more>

Goal for the end of tomorrow w/out exercise: 1,600
Goal w/ exercise: 800

Something strange about this binge. I'm not having that much anxiety over this binge/getting fat because even though I want to be thinner than I am now, I haven't binged in 13 days. Also, I'm not very sick to my stomach. 6 donuts and two sandwiches and I'm not sick? Especially after nearly 2 weeks of on and off restricting? Weird.

I'm sad I'll have to start my counting over again. 13 is great! I don't want to get anxiety about this binge though. I could easily "get rid" of these calories in 2 days. I could technically get rid of it by tomorrow. I could really, really easily do it in three days.

The past four or five days have been really sloppy, food wise. I've been getting close to bingeing. Like the Yoshinoya things. But maybe I should be getting anxiety over this binge. I mean, eating that much in the space of 1.5 hours is NOT normal. It could very easily lead to the crazy, the food desparation...like you had tonight. I didn't even TRY to stop the binge. That's the funny thing. It was like, "okay, where are we going to binge tonight?" This is very dangerous! It was like, "Oh, well, you haven't binged in awhile, and you feel the need. Let's do it. As a reward, sort of. But not the rewards fat people give themselves in weight watchers and stuff." 

I can't eat that much sugar...it's not good for me...triggers very bad shit. I might have been able to control the binge if I hadn't.

Current Location: bed
Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: AFI

Guess what? Down to 400 cals. Tomorrow I want to look like this:

Random Liquids: 
250

Bfast:
Egg whites w/ l/f cheese 150
Tall Soy Misto, 1 P. Mo.  100

Lunch:
Somethin vegetabley + Enormous Salad 200

Dinner
What? 
Something Korean without carbs probably liquid noodley soup not eating the noodles...and vegi 200
Protein Shake

About 1000

Dancing will equal: between -300 and -500

dara is here in my big chair, sitting across from me. There will be Cursive and there will be looove tomorrow. Sunshine called me. TWICE. xoxoxo

Current Location: Living Room w/ dara
Current Mood: chipper