yetsomehow.wesuffer

j9schmetter @ 2008-01-13T08:38:00

2008-01-13T16:39:12Z

So...definitely hit a low here...I'm not making any of my classes today, because I can't fit into my pants. I should always trust my intuition. For whatever reason I kept looking at my dresses today, creating ensembles in my head. "Why would you want to wear a dress, it's freezing...?" Well, once I tried on all of my pants, I knew why. I was muffintopping out of all of them, even my biggest pair that got too big last quarter. That was the worst. That and I when I realized they were already stretched to capacity and weren't going to give anymore. I wish that I had saved my fat pants...the pants I had before I miraculously overcame this shit for a few months this summer. Yesterday was...unfun. I spent the whole day in bed, save going to the shrink and having her yell at me and tell me that she cannot help me. Is that what you pay someone $100 for? A ten minute session of them saying, "sorry, you're lazy and fucked up and I totally don't want to help you." I decided I would finish the binge I had started earlier, and made her aware of this, which she ignored.

So, sorry professors, I can't come to school today because I'm too fucking fat.

On a lighter note, I caught a glimpse of my now size 4 (or a very generous 2) self in the full-length mirror in only my underwear (from a distance mind you) and I thought I actually looked great...I guess that might be what other people see. But

So I tried on some of Julie's pants and they're pretty much all too big (though smaller than they once were). Not big enough for her pants, too big for my own...and totally paralyzed by a fucking eating disorder...not only am I expanding and swelling up, but I have no life because of this.

THIS is not a small problem.

2007-12-03T23:29:16Z

I missed school. I missed my ortho appointment. No one can solve all my problems. No pill. No person. Only me, but we'll see how that goes. JUST PLEASE STOP JANINE PLEASE FUCKING STOP.

And I could have just gone home

2007-12-03T11:07:53Z

I could have just driven home. I could have not thought about chewy fried dough. I could have thought about one thing at a time.

He takes care of you and buys you pretty things. He will love you no matter what. And yet he tricks you for kisses. And you love him yet you're not sure what to do. Because you didn't just go home.

Apple-filled claw of death bear: 400
3 Croissants: 1800
1 lemon: 350
1 chocolate: 350
1 chocolate: 350
2 plain glazed: 650
--------------------------------------------------------

11,900
3,900
-------------
15,800 = 4.5 pounds

Janine, you poor thing. You are killing yourself.

j9schmetter @ 2007-12-03T02:59:00

2007-12-03T10:59:23Z

I am seriously sick. It's 5:42PM, cupcake's birthday and I'm still not out of bed. Why am I ruining his birthday??

j9schmetter @ 2007-12-01T00:19:00

2007-12-02T01:35:07Z

I like solitaire. You do not ever have to play the hand that is dealt to you. This imparts great confidence, unlike life. The choices there are more limited, along the lines of deal with what is dealt or die. If I had known this earlier in my solitaire compulsion I would have won a great deal more games. Motility is key.

I must have known it would get bad, that’s why I have been asking for help. Can you really hang yourself with a belt? Where do I get rope? What sort? From the balcony? Will they cut me down? I definitely want to get cut down before my roommate finds out. I worry most about disturbing her. She would never want to meet a roommate on Craig’s list again. Of course, if I wear all black and do it tonight, they won’t find me until morning. I can leave my key to my car and a note for her to move it herself. Or I can park somewhere outside. I will kill myself with a dirty car. The long drop is considered more humane, but you must calculate your drop based on weight and height to avoid decapitation. I need about a 9 foot 7 inch drop. Any less, I’ll risk strangulation (which is fine), any more, I could be decapitated, which is also fine, though grisly.

In between games of solitaire I call therapists. Whether they call me back or not is a determining factor in my daily self worth. In Los Angeles, no one has any openings. If I kill myself because I couldn’t find a therapist, would that be considered ironic?

j9schmetter @ 2007-11-29T00:41:00

2007-11-29T09:05:41Z

So it's back...so bad that I'm on here writing about it. I've been thinking about it. What helps, what doesn't. Why I was able to stop from June to August. It was two months of beautiful manageability and skinniness. Now what...I'm back.

I'm not sure really what it is about school that causes this. There's a fucking moving advertisement for the California culinary academy on the side of the screen right now. WTF! I do not want to see this, it's moving, I can't keep it out of my eyesight. I'm pretty sure this is the biggest amount of calories I've ever had accumulate.

10,000

It's a lot. Many of them, about 1/3 came from today. Today was not a planned binge day. Today I thought, there will be no need to binge. I went to work on chicken broth and lettuce. Felt very full. Had talked to dara and to cupcake, everything seemed great. I went in the back to study and there was a giant pizza cheese bread thing, a bag of granola, chocolate graham crackers, three packages of (my favorite kind nontheless and I don't even like candy) mini candy bars. Plus someone's burrito that didn't get eaten but that was unappetizing.

I ate at least a third of that pizza thing, several candy bars...and two chocolate covered graham crackers. On top of the 7,100 I owed already. I have been super sick and unable to go to the gym...plus somehow the sick made me eat a lot. So fucking idiot me, Ryan says I should feed the homeless people, so I took the stupid brownies to feed the homeless people and thought, "I could wind up eating these...so what if I do...something something you shouldn't leave them here?" What is that? Depressing is what it is. I am so desperate I am looking at an OA meeting tomorrow. There is one 2 miles away from my house, at 9:30AM. Don't forget how many of the brownies you ate. 3/4 of the package, or 6 out of 8. JANINE! What are you doing?

I had these moments of clarity at work today...things started to look clearer...so what if I get fat and have to buy all fat clothes. So what if I have to marry someone fat? Are these the things that matter? No...yes...I don't know...it's not about being fat or not fat, it's about living. But I feel like I can't live if I'm fat. And is fearing fatness part of the problem? I think it is.

I really do not want to live anymore.

Too bad I am not going to die. I would give a limb to get over this. Maybe I should just start doing drugs?

10,000 rid in a week is the goal.

I am not going to put myself on a starvation diet. I am over that. It's stupid. But I am going on a diet. 7 days at 1200 calories =

10,000
<4200>
leaves me
5800 (shit that is a lot)
which means...8.5 hours at the gym. Over a week. That's not too bad.

Per day, that is, starting tomorrow, a little over an hour. I will go 1 hour tomorrow to restart myself. 2 hours friday? What if I get sore. I don't fucking know anymore. It's...all...over...I'd have to not eat at all for six days to recover this without the gym.

And there is no good way to kill myself.

So I will just...

Damn

2007-05-19T23:49:37Z

So I'm kind of upset because I ate normally today...plus I have not had enough time to go to the gym...I wanted 3 hours...now I can only swing 1.75 hours at the MOST. Damn. That means I can only burn 1200ish calories. Which is just not enough because tomorrow I work all day, which means I have to eat at least 600ish. So that'll be...

4,500
<1200>
3,300
tomorrow...
<1,000>
plus gym
<1,000>
1,300 which is fine, if I actually do it.

Sigh. I better run.

j9schmetter @ 2007-05-07T17:10:00

2007-05-08T00:10:24Z

what?

13 Days and Not Counting--See that userpic? That's me tonight.

2007-05-06T10:51:01Z

Donut Binge:

Triggers:

A. Too much sugar intake today
-an entire tall JCFL with ez whip
-Walnut loaf bread thingie (probably the Z, not the B, that's why)
-short soy misto with mocha

B. Not enough healthy food to balance that out--I should NOT be having that much sugar/carbs in the first place. It spells trouble.

C. Remember that random small crying episode you had in Sunshine's car last night? About your dad? About how he only ever critisizes you and only makes time for you in the way of criticizing you? He will make time for you, but only to criticize you. And even that's a squeeze.

D. Relationship anxiety--not sure what yet--he's too nice, I'm scared he'll get bored with me, I'm scared he won't ever understand me, I'm scared he'll realize I don't deserve him being this nice to me. Kind of like how I've realized that about other people... I don't have anyone at work to talk to about how happy I am--they are my only friends, really, my coworkers...and not being able to talk to them about how happy I am is hard...kind of told Andrea. Kind of.

E. Guilty about missing Jess' birthday breakfast??

Ate:

2 Sandwichs from work 650
1 Big ass croissant 600
1 Smallish strawberry croissant 300
2 Cream filled donuts 800
1 Bear Claw 350

Total (rounded up for good measure): 2800

< Ideally: You can get rid of 1,000 if you eat 600 calories
+ 140 minutes at the gym you'll burn a good 1500 more>

Goal for the end of tomorrow w/out exercise: 1,600
Goal w/ exercise: 800

Something strange about this binge. I'm not having that much anxiety over this binge/getting fat because even though I want to be thinner than I am now, I haven't binged in 13 days. Also, I'm not very sick to my stomach. 6 donuts and two sandwiches and I'm not sick? Especially after nearly 2 weeks of on and off restricting? Weird.

I'm sad I'll have to start my counting over again. 13 is great! I don't want to get anxiety about this binge though. I could easily "get rid" of these calories in 2 days. I could technically get rid of it by tomorrow. I could really, really easily do it in three days.

The past four or five days have been really sloppy, food wise. I've been getting close to bingeing. Like the Yoshinoya things. But maybe I should be getting anxiety over this binge. I mean, eating that much in the space of 1.5 hours is NOT normal. It could very easily lead to the crazy, the food desparation...like you had tonight. I didn't even TRY to stop the binge. That's the funny thing. It was like, "okay, where are we going to binge tonight?" This is very dangerous! It was like, "Oh, well, you haven't binged in awhile, and you feel the need. Let's do it. As a reward, sort of. But not the rewards fat people give themselves in weight watchers and stuff."

I can't eat that much sugar...it's not good for me...triggers very bad shit. I might have been able to control the binge if I hadn't.

Progress, progress.

2007-05-01T08:56:04Z

Guess what? Down to 400 cals. Tomorrow I want to look like this:

Random Liquids:
250

Bfast:
Egg whites w/ l/f cheese 150
Tall Soy Misto, 1 P. Mo. 100

Lunch:
Somethin vegetabley + Enormous Salad 200

Dinner
What?
Something Korean without carbs probably liquid noodley soup not eating the noodles...and vegi 200
Protein Shake

About 1000

Dancing will equal: between -300 and -500

dara is here in my big chair, sitting across from me. There will be Cursive and there will be looove tomorrow. Sunshine called me. TWICE. xoxoxo

SIS

2007-04-29T15:28:33Z

Salt is sexy...dude, I'm so freaking in love with salt right now. SO MUCH SALT LOVE.

Why Best Friends are THE BEST

2007-04-29T14:41:27Z

bff: hahahahaha
HardlyaButterfly: ohhh the irony
bff: I KNOW
HardlyaButterfly: have you seen the iron giant
HardlyaButterfly: ?
bff: yessss
bff: omg
HardlyaButterfly: hahahaha
HardlyaButterfly: must still be drunk
HardlyaButterfly: if irony = the iron giant
HardlyaButterfly: anyway

ASORRY!

2007-04-29T10:30:47Z

wooooooooooooooooooop drink! SO DRJUNK! LOOOVE DRUHNKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA! I was all like, :whenever I'm drunk I'm like, "why don't I get drunk more often?" There's a good reason, oh poor asm, I hope you're okay tomorrow morning. Maybe I should come to visist you and get coffee...making out with you was sooo fun...ooooooooooooo but I bit your lip and made you bleed...oops. SO SORRY!

COACHELLA! epic post

2007-04-29T00:25:38Z

I don't know if I can fit everything in here...on the way to Travis' house, my tire blew out (because I hit something, like a retard) around 2:30AM. Called him, he came and put on my spare. This sucks, we were planning to use my little car instead of his gas-guzzling SUV...which I paid $50 to fill up. After the tickets this is a lot only takes $30 to fill mine up...plus having to pay for a new tire now...URGH! I am broke...and I still have to get Cursive tix for Tuesday and I worked very few hours this week, blah!

So I had a mini panic attack, ate a protein bar, got mad at myself for eating it. Didn't want to go. Tried to talk Travis out of it. Took a klonopin, calmed down. We left around 4:30 or 5. Got there around 6:30A. Parked, slept. I slept, he didn't. The parking lot was made of grass? Strange. Changed into mini outfit...it was freaking 90 degrees at 10AM. I was tired and sick and blah...we walked like half a mile in dust and mud to find a bathroom that happened to be a glorified outhouse thingie, which I had never used before, because I vowed I never would when I was a kid. I wiped almost EVERYTHING I had to touch down with little wipe thingies I bought. *Reeeeeally smart move, btw...

Walked back to car. More sleep. Woke up drenched in sweat, EW. Tired, tired, nauseous. Waited in crazy hot line to get in. Didn't get frisked. :( I love physical contact with people...I'm a freak. Not creepy guys though. Anyone but creepy guys and smelly people. No thanks to that. Found tent. Bought diet shaved ice! They had diet shaved ice in like 15 flavors! Heaven. Felt better. Waited under tent. Slept on grass under tent. Bought something that was kind of like food açai smoothie thing that was 300ish cals. Just had more water and shaved ice. Only had to use gross bathroom 2 more times...and it wasn't that bad because I managed to find ones that were just cleaned...so proud of me. It's silly because it's something everyone does or has to do at some point...but I had not ever done it before...so I didn't freak out and cry. Good job. Plus I slept on grass. Alone...with 50,000 strangers wandering around. Good job me!

Went to see Tokyo Police Club. They were good, but it was only 3ish, so it was still hooooot, so I didn't dance much. Went back to tent, slept more. People were so nice. All these really nice strangers talked to me, and these guys asked me if I wanted to go with them to see this band over somewhere...good-looking guys asked for my number and flirted with me...this day was this total self-esteem boost. Travis and I spent a good enough time apart that he could escape from my whining. I was in a pretty bad mood because of fatigue/heat. Found each other around 6ish. Waited, listened to Bob Marley's son or something. So much pot smoke/reggae dancing. Beautiful girl wrapped in Canadian flag lying on the ground with her boyfriend near us. And I found her beautiful even though she was normal weight/my size-ish. Was cooling down. Told Travis we should leave, he talked me into waiting for Peaches because it'd be easy after that...I really just wanted to go and figured there was no way to make that miserable day any better. I kept asking why the hell I thought I would want to go...

Peaches went on, she was awesome...seemed a little drained by the heat, like all of us. Danced a little. Mood improved. Peaches wore the metallic hotpants I want from American Apparel, in purple. Sooo hot! <3

Looked for food, but got iced coffee instead. Found a protein bar, ate some and threw it away. Travis freaked out! Ha. Went to find Interpol my <3...I wanted to crowd surf and get close. This did not really happen. But it was amazing and beautiful and there was dancing and I was blissful. Met a tall adorable lanky Jewish guy (a weakness of mine...Jew boys) who is an illustration major...picked him to be my dance partner for Björk...we leaned up against each other after talking for about half an hour...Travis spied, I was like, bitch! He interuppted. Though tall guy didn't notice. I started dancing and went a little closer to the stage, and kind of told tall guy to come, but he smiled, looked confused, and didn't. Sad! I couldn't convince him to come dance with me. There were many exchanged looks and smiles. But no dancing. He didn't ask me for my number afterward either, sad. But all of this is trivial when compared to Björk! LORD!

Björk: Powerful, beautiful, magical! OOOO! Her voice...it's otherworldly! The first time she said thank you it was so cute...then she was like, "it's so nice to be in the desert with yooo tonight..." SO CUTE! Just closed my eyes and felt the bass and let the whole thing take over. I love seeing the stage, but I think people need to isolate all their other senses sometimes...full experience. She played mostly her really popular songs, which was cool...I'm glad she didn't play too much of her new stuff, as I'm not as familiar with it as the classics. Oooh Björk, I loooove you, I will put you in my pocket.

More later.

j9schmetter @ 2007-04-24T23:49:00

2007-04-25T06:51:25Z

I am of some worth to this world, I think.

I GOT IN TO UCLA! FUCK! This is amazing. I am quite close to being happy.

So...if I can get into UCLA I can definetely easily run at the gym for four hours tonight.

j9schmetter @ 2007-04-23T01:20:00

2007-04-23T08:21:19Z

Note: if you can get through this hunger you can get through any hunger because you'll no longer have hunger.

j9schmetter @ 2007-04-18T15:43:00

2007-04-18T22:44:58Z

Blargh.

Haven't gotten anything done. I drove to that damn meeting and got there 30 minutes early. I was falling asleep though, so I tried to go to the coffee shop that it was in, but they didn't open til 7AM. My hair was wet and it was windy Long Beach morning. I walked two blocks back to my car freezing my ass off and feeling like shit. Tried to tough it out in my car, but I wound up driving home. Went to bed. Just woke up.

I did the dishes though...and I was starving, so my 400 plan for today has been not great...I've had 700. Oh well. I'll just stay 30 minutes more at the gym.

So I have class, then 1.75 at the gym.

Then I'll be down to 2,000 left from the donut binge. It sure beats 5800, which is what it was last week.

Today is...

2007-04-18T11:24:39Z

So here's the plan:

I just did 2 hours on the elliptical.

2-4AM: 2 hours

I will go to a meeting at 7AM.

Go to Trader Joe's
Come Home
Write/Fall Asleep
Wake up around 2PM
Call Linnea
Get to Class
Go to gym for 1-2 hours

Food for today: All liquids, no more than 400 calories.

Hate me

2007-04-18T05:38:42Z

I feel so bad for people who have to live with me. Their lives are so limited. I eat all the food. I eat no food, so I don't do the dishes. I don't want to go to the grocery store because I don't want people seeing me. I hide from my poor dad after I binge. I want the world to see me after the gym. Let's play how many hours can pathetic me sustain on the machine at the gym tonight? I'm going for four. I will be awesome. Tomorrow morning I'm going to my ED support meeting.